Monty Python Trigun Theater
by MSkyDragons
Summary: Various stand alone stories, drabbles, one shots, and silly fun taking place at various points in Trigun … in the style of Monty Python. Updated. Ch 3 added. Review!
1. Dead

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Monty Python Trigun Theater

Various drabbles, one shots, and silly fun taking place at various points in Trigun…in the style of Monty Python.

(For maximum effectiveness, imagine all the Trigun characters have thick British accents... heeee)

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Chapter 1: "Dead"

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The light in the sky was dimming as the twin suns of Gunsmoke were getting lower in the sky. An orange glow was cast upon a high cliff leaving stiff shadows on the figure of a man poking another man with a pointy stick.

"Poke."

"Poke."

The man did not move. It was possibly because he had a rather large amount of red stuff leaking from his head… or that he had just been napping on a rather large tomato that went _squish_.

"Are you _alive_, Legato?" Knives asked with agitation, giving Legato another good poke in the leg.

No answer.

Knives poked him harder, "Cause if your faking you really need to clean up this mess!"

Knives tapped his foot angrily and pointed to the red stuff, "You are bleeding all over my planet! You're messing up what will become my precious Eden!"

Still no answer.

The wind blowed a bit.

A tumbleweed rolled by.

"You know," Knives began as he stared at his minion, "the least that brother of mine could have done is cleaned up this mess." Knives kicked Legato a bit.

"At least they could have covered you up with dirt…or rocks, or small pieces of wood…or something." The Plant crossed his arms and tapped his foot in aggravation.

Two tumbleweeds rolled past.

"I sure as HELL ain't touching him." Knives leaned over a tad and peered at Legato's creepy happy smile. "I don't want to get _human_ cooties."

A tumbleweed rolled by and got stuck in Legato's hair.

"Oh that's just GREAT!" Knives grumbled sarcastically, and wandered around to the other side to inspect the hairy tumbleweed blue entangled mess.

"Huh, what's this?" Knives peered at Legato's left arm that was really Vash's missing arm.

"Ugh." Knives shook his head. "I can't believe my brother is that much of an idiot. I basically gift wrap his arm by sending Legato on a suicide mission and Vash doesn't even have the sense to get his arm back after blowing Legato's brains out. I mean, surely he wants it back! I kept it warm for him all these years attached to my top minion like any good brother would. I mean, I would want MY arm back if MY brother shot MY arm off! Ugh!…Vash is such a scatter brain…can't even keep up with his own limbs…"

He was about to walk off when suddenly, a strange voice was heard in the distance.

Knives turned to see in curiosity.

A mysterious hooded figure came walking out of nowhere from the desert, pushing a cart.

"Bring out your dead…" The hooded figured droned, "Bring out your dead…"

Knives raised an eyebrow, and glanced at this human with a cart that was coming closer.

"Hmmm…" Knives pondered.

"Bring out your dead…"

"How, convenient." Knives rubbed his chin, and tossed away his pointy stick, which flew over and whacked Legato clear across the face.

"Bring out your—"

Knives jumped and waved his arms, "Over here! Here's one!"

The cart, holding one corpse already, came to a stop next to Legato.

"Here's a deceased for ya, take him away." Knives said.

"Are you sure that one's dead?" The man asked, as he placed Legato on the cart, "I thought I just saw him twitch a bit."

"Nope, he's as dead as a can of spam!" Knives quipped, rubbing his hands together.

"But, I'm…not dead." Came a hoarse voice from Legato.

Knives' eyes widened.

The hooded man pointed at Knives, "The bloke's not dead you idiot."

Knives fumed, "YES he IS! Look, he's dead! Deceased! No more! Passed on! Kicked the bucket! Bit the dust! Bought the farm!"

"…I'm getting better." Legato chimed in hopefully.

"No your not!" Knives put his hands on his hips and stared Legato down.

"I'm better, really…" Legato whined.

Knives grunted and tapped his foot angrily, "What's THAT then?"

"What?" Legato asked obliviously.

"THAT!" Knives pointed furiously at the blood pouring from his head.

Legato rolled his eyes around abit trying to look and see what Knives was talking about.

"…I don't see anything." Legato stated.

"Legato," Knives waved his arms about, "you have a HUGE gaping HOLE in your head!"

"No I don't." Legato said nonchalantly.

"Yes. You do." Knives lowered his voice.

"I do not." Legato argued.

"Well," Knives paced back and forth, his eye twitched, "How do explain THAT?"

"Explain…what?" Legato asked.

"That huge red pool where you were just a moment ago and all that red stuff gushing forth from your shiny blue hair and spilling onto the dirt, your clothes, the cart…it probably flew on Vash as well."

"Oh?" Legato said.

"Yeah, what do you call that?" Knives retorted.

"Erm…ketchup." Legato said looking off in another direction.

"KETCHUP?" Knives exclaimed in disbelief.

"…I was having a bit of a snack." He said sheepishly.

"A BIT of a SNACK?" Knives fumed.

"It was just a hotdog…"

"A hotdog?" Knives growled, "A hotdog! What were you doing having a hotdog up on a cliff when you were supposed to be eternally and painfully suffering Vash the Stampede!"

"But…I was hungry," Legato whined, "And I really _like_ wieners!"

Knives glared at him, "I _bet_ you do…"

The hooded figure with the cart blinked, "Can I go now?"

"ARgh!" Knives sighed, "Why couldn't I have had a proper minion that did specific evil things according to my specific evil biddings instead of going down to the corner shop every five minutes and stuffing his pie hole with various confections that begin with the word 'hot' and end in the word 'dog'?"

"Um…Mastah?" Legato tried to interject.

"But, nnnnoooooOOO," Knives complained, "That's not all is it! Not only does my top evil minion that is supposed to watch over all the other lesser evil minions sneak off on a regular basis to gorge on hot dogs, but he also sneaks off to cafés and movie theaters to nibble on corn dogs, hot dogs on a stick, cinema hot dogs, and foot longs; ice cream, pie, cake, and ding dongs; whipped cream, and chocolate thongs; twinkies and cinnabuns; Nestle, Hershey, his stomachs a bloody black hole!"

The man with the cart blinked again, "Can I go now? …I got dead to pick up, corpses to drop off, deceased to transport, I need to pass off the passed on…"

"Sure, sure" Knives nodded, waving his hand, "Away with you…"

The man with the cart turned, and began to roll Legato away.

"Hey!" Legato complained.

"Oye, wait eh!" The cart man exclaimed, "I can't take 'im like this, he ain't dead yet."

Knives grunted in annoyance and located a piece of dry wood…

"SMACK!"

…and gave Legato a good whack.

"Is that better then?" Knives smirked.

The human with the cart gave Legato a few pokes. Nothing happened, no twitches, complaints, nor stray bits of flatulence.

"I guess he's adequately dead," the man shrugged, as he went back to push his cart.

"Yep, he's really oh so surely dead." Knives said, nodding.

"Well…Mmkay," the hooded man mumbled as he pushed his cart back into the desert from which he came.

The man looked upon Legato and smiled, "My, my, blue hair then? That oughta fetch a pretty penny on eBay…as well as that TV antennae attached to the shoulder there."

Knives was far away in the distance, whistling as he went, on his way back to his evil layer of evilness…plus his happy wine filled tree garden complete with lawn furniture.

"I'm glad that's over then," Knives thought to himself.

And then, from off in the distance came, "…I said I was getting better! I'll…I'll come to life in a moment, …really, I promise! …no really! …no…no, what's that? …what?…no…no, not the stick again! …not the—"

"SMACK!"

Knives smirked, "And that was that."

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End.

(…of that particular tale)

What will happen in the next spontaneous tale of silliness?

Find out in the next chapter!

Review! Review please, tell me if you love me, hate me, or tolerate me!

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(Alternate ending)

Off in the distance:

The hooded figure looked at the corpse of Legato, "I guess he's really dead then."

The hooded figure smiled evilly, "Not for LONG!"

"Whoosh, Sparkles, Special Effects"

The human pulled off the hood to reveal, "GASP!" a fangirl!

"HAhahahahah!" she cried out, whipping out a magical-fanfiction-fairy-wand, "Live, LIVE!"

She cackled and spun around many times, waving magical fairy dust upon the very dead Legato.

"Huh?" Legato awoke confused.

"Hi! I love you!" the fangirl professed in a screeching voice while making kissy noises and holding up papers with outlines of all the fanfictions she would write where this inexplicably alive Legato would hook up multiple times with her Mary Sue character.

Legato's eyes went wide, "HELP! Mastah! Where's that piece of dry wood, I need a single concentrated blow to the head, STAT!"

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Review! Please!

Disclaimer: I guess people still do these disclaimers. Basically I own nothing. Neither Trigun nor Monty Python. It's just for fun.

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	2. Disarmed

Many thanks to those who reviewed! Here's another one:

(Once again, think: 'thick British accents.' Enjoy!)

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Chapter 2: "Disarmed"

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Vash was happily strolling down through the bustling desert town of July. He paused to look up at the building he stood before.

"Yep, this seems like the right place." Vash smiled and went on in and strode through the large doors.

Vash was met with a surprise.

" 'Ello, eh chap!" Knives smiled and waved at his brother.

"What's THIS then?" Vash exclaimed in horror, first pointing at Knives, and then at the guy slumped over the desk who was in a dark puddle which covered the whole of it.

"That's not a proper greeting, eh, brothah," Knives seeming mildly offended, as he hopped off the corner of the desk and smirked at Vash.

Vash blinked, ignoring Knives, and went to get a closer look at the not-moving guy.

"What's with him?" Vash asked, "He looks quite ill. Is he having a bit of a nap?"

Knives laughed, "No, Vash, he's not having a bit of a nap."

"Is he counting sheep then?" Vash continued.

"No." Knives was getting annoyed.

"Do you think we should wake 'im?" Vash gave the guy a poke.

Knives sighed with aggravation, "You can't wake 'im, cause he's dead!"

"Are you sure?" Vash gave Knives a skeptical look.

"I am pretty sure since I killed him myself 20 minutes ago." Knives replied.

"Huh?" Vash gasped, "HE'S DEAD?"

Knives sighed, "I'd THOUGHT you'd have NOTICED!" He practically yelled, turning to Vash.

Vash began to whimper, and then bawling uncontrollably.

"I'm sorry," Vash pouted, "I'm…a little slow sometimes…"

"There, there," Knives embraced his brother, "It's alright."

"…"

"Hey, wait a second," Vash said as he jumped away from Knives, "YOU didn't _kill_ him, _DID_ you?"

"…"

"I told you I killed him 10 seconds ago!" Knives exclaimed.

"Ah!" Vash gasped, backing up, "You _fiend_!"

"Oh, please, Vash," Knives looked hurt by the comment, "I haven't seen you in a long time. This is supposed to be a happy occasion. Let's not bicker and argue over who killed who…"

Vash jumped and reached for both the silver and black guns in his holsters and readied them at Knives, but Knives had thought ahead...

"I shoot in your general direction!" Knives pulled out a huge high-powered weapon, "Ha. Ha!"

Knives' bullet connected with Vash and sent him flying across the room.

Knives took one look at Vash, and then blew the smoke away from his gun, declaring, "I win!"

"This is far from over!" Vash exclaimed.

Knives blinked, "You're in no shape to fight!"

"What?"

"Your arm's off!" Knives pointed at the object that had a great resemblance to said arm that was clear across the other side of the room.

Vash looked around for a moment as if accessing the situation.

"No, it's not!" Vash argued.

Knives grunted in aggravation, "What do you call _that_ then?"

"What?" Vash asked with curiosity.

"Your left arm is clear across on the other side of the room!"

"No it isn't." Vash said quickly.

"You've been _dismembered_!" Knives yelled.

"No I haven't."

Knives pointed furiously, "Your _member_ has _dissed_ you!"

"What makes you think that?"

"LOOK!" Knives pointed at Vash's ripped red coat and the puddle of red stuff dripping from his stump of a left arm.

"Oh."

"How do you explain that, eh?" Knives leaned closer to him with his hands on his hips.

"Erm…special effects?" Vash smiled hopefully.

"SPECIAL _effects_!" Knives exclaimed in disbelief.

Vash nodded with a smile.

"…then where's your other gun?" Knives asked smugly.

"Why it's…" Vash raised his right arm with a gun and tried to move his left arm when—

"AHHhhhh!" Vash suddenly exclaimed, startling Knives.

"What IS it?" Knives was getting tired of this.

"It's just a scratch!" Vash boldly leapt up from the floor.

"Eh?" Knives raised an eyebrow.

"I can take you!" Vash pointed his gun at his brother.

"Are you nuts?" Knives yelled, "Your BLOODY _arm_'s OFF!"

"Well, of course it's going to be bloody, that's what happens with flesh wounds." Vash said matter-of-factly.

"You stupid boob!" Knives exclaimed, "I meant 'bloody' as in more of an explicative, than as a descriptive, yet appropriately accurate adjective in reference to your current situation!"

"Oh."

"It's an understandable mistake." Knives comforted.

"Ah." Vash nodded.

"…" Knives blinked.

"…where were we?" Vash asked.

"I don't right know." Knives shrugged.

"…something about an arm?"

"Perhaps…" Knives rubbed his chin.

"Oh right," Vash smiled, "now I remember!"

"Marvelous!" Knives walked back over and hopped back on the desk.

"…" Vash blinked, staring at the ceiling.

Knives furrowed his brow impatiently, "Get on with it!"

Vash thought for a few moments, "Did you just SHOOT my ARM off?"

Knives blinked, "Did you just now notice?"

"You bloody did, didn't you?" Vash yelled.

"Yes." Knives said as he nodded.

Vash mumbled, "You done ruined a perfectly good jacket."

"I've done what?" Knives made a weird face at Vash

"My dry-cleaning! I demand that you pay for my dry cleaning!" Vash shouted at his brother.

Knives was aghast, "I'll do no such thing!"

Knives crossed his arms and stared at Vash. Vash glared at his brother.

"Why," Vash whined, "Why did you hav' ta go and shoot my arm off?"

"…" Knives looked away grumbled, "I only wanted me gun back."

"You could've just ASKED!" Vash stated.

Knives blinked, "Didn't think o' that…"

Vash whined on a bit more, wailing and making indistinguishable sounds.

"Oh SHUT UP!" Knives snapped at his brother and waltzed over to the arm still clutching the black gun.

He reached to pick it up.

"Oh, 'Ey!" Vash complained, "What are ya doin'?"

"Finders keepers…" Knives chuckled.

"But that's mine!" Vash whined.

Knives picked up the arm and gun, separated the two, holstered the black gun, and then took Vash's severed limb by the wrist.

"It's MINE _now_." Knives smiled slyly and dangled and waved the arm in Vash's face.

Vash scowled at Knives, "GIVE it!"

"What are you gonna do," Knives laughed, "bleed on me?"

Vash rushed Knives. Knives hopped up on the desk.

"Just try it!" Knives taunted Vash with his arm further.

Vash jumped up at the arm again and again, but Knives pulled it away.

"Uh… Uh!" Vash whined as he hopped and hopped and hopped, but Knives was standing on the desk and he couldn't reach.

"Ha. HA!" Knives taunted Vash and smirked.

"Gimmie!" Vash whined and bawled, reaching as high as he could with his right arm.

"Oh shut up!" Knives just laughed, "Or I'll beat you with the wet end!"

"…"

"I thought so." Knives smirked.

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"Is there any way you'll give me my arm back?" Vash pleaded.

"Well…" Knives contemplated, "Perhaps…if you bring me something of…value."

"What do you want?" Vash asked cautiously.

"You must bring me…" Knives said, "…a shrubbery."

"A…what?" Vash asked quizzically.

"It's a plant." Knives explained, "…a small one."

"What do you want with a shrubbery?" Vash asked.

"I'm…lonely." Knives mumbled.

"…r_ight_." Vash was confused.

And so Vash walked out the door and embarked on the daring quest for the shrubbery. He met many perils on his way down the street such as the dreaded Krispie Kreme and Dunkin Donuts which nearly stopped the fearless warrior in his tracks—especially the frightening Dunkin Donuts which would have you believe that "doughnut" is spelled "donut" when it is actually spelled "dough**_ni_**ut." Brave Vash escaped the peril and tore himself away from the sweet baking smells and arrived at a merchant stand two blocks down the street.

Vash stood behind the merchant stand and looked at the large sign with large print that said "Shrubbery Shop."

"Hello?" Vash asked.

A young man with strange hair appeared, "Yes, what can I do ya for?"

"Do you by any chance sell shrubberies?" Vash questioned.

The man blinked and glance up at the store sign and then glanced back at Vash in mild annoyance, "Yes, shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is Legato the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies."

"So, there are shrubberies to be had here?" Vash continued.

Legato blinked, "Well… you're a daft git aren't you?"

"Pardon?"

The young man sighed, "You want just one shrubbery?"

"Yes, thank you." Vash smiled.

"You're in luck." Legato continued, "We just got our instant shrubbery machine in today! All I have to do is throw in some sand and it works."

"Fascinating…" Vash ogled at the advanced machine behind the young blue haired man.

"See…" Legato started, "I just pick up some sand, and insert it here—"

Suddenly the machine turned on prematurely.

"AH!" Legato the shrubber screamed, "It's caught me arm! It's stuck!"

Vash tried to help.

"Ah me arm! It took off me left arm! ACK!" Legato screamed and turned to Vash, "The machine ate it! It's all _your_ bloody fault, because you just HAD to HAVE a shrubbery today DIDN'T you!"

"No! Noooooo!" Vash wailed and took off running down the street.

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"Did you get the shrubbery?" Knives scrutinized Vash carefully.

"N—no…" Vash explained.

"Oh, well…" Knives snapped his fingers.

"ACK!" Vash yelled.

There was a growing flash of light. A few poor bastards off in the town spotted the bright bubble of light. Their eyes went wide.

"RUN AWAY!"

"RUN AWAY!"

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After the explosion, Knives wandered the streets and gleefully observed the carnage. He spotted one bloke who was trying his very best to pry something from a stubborn shrubbery machine.

Knives waltzed over to Legato's Shrubbery Shop.

"Excuse me," Knives called out, leaning his elbow against the counter.

"Yes?" Legato spun around, blood dripping from his shoulder.

Knives smiled, and waved Vash's arm in the air, "Are you, by chance, in need of a limb?"

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End.

(…of this particular tale.)

More silliness next chapter!

Review please! Thanks so much!

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Disclaimer: the usual… I don't own Trigun or Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Review!

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	3. Musical Interlude

(A/N: Thank you! I appreciate all the wonderful reviews! This chapter is a bit short, like a really long drabble of sorts…)

This chapter is especially…_silly_.

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Chapter 3: "Musical Interlude"

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Knives took a sip of his drink and sat it down on his large table. He glanced around the large open room that compromised the dinning hall. In front of him, at two large lengthwise tables, his minions sat.

To his left sat Chapel, Monev, Dominique, E.G. Mine, and Rei Dei—as well as Zazie and Midvalley. On the right was Gray—who hogged most of the table—and Hoppered, along with Caine and Legato. Leonoff was on the loo.

They were eyeing Knives intently.

"So, did you get all that then?" Knives addressed them.

"Eternal pain…suffering…Vash the Stampede…doom…pain…naughty things," several of them chimed in, "I think we've gotten the gist of it." They nodded.

Knives smirked and got up from his table, "Good. Good."

The Gung-Ho-Guns stood up as Knives walked to the exit. Knives stopped in the doorway and turned around.

"Well, then, I do say I think this meeting's adjourned!" Knives said right before he left and shut the door.

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"Is…he gone?"

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"…I think he is!"

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"Alright!" Midvalley exclaimed as he suddenly jumped upon the table, his feet clanking plates of food, and started to play on his saxophone.

Suddenly, ALL of the Gung-Ho-Guns—minus Leonoff who was otherwise occupied on the loo—jumped upon the tables and began to…sing? _And_ dance!

"**We're the Gung-Ho-Guns assassins**,

**We'll give your ass a blastin'**.

**We do killin' sprees in time for tea and we don't get paid nothin'**,

**We're feared 'round here on Gunsmoke**,

**We love to play and slay and sauté folks**."

Legato locked arms with Dominique the Cyclops and spun around. Then, Zazie, Caine, E.G. and Rei Dei locked elbows down the line and kicked their feet in the air. Chapel began to juggle green apples. Food was being tossed everywhere. And Hoppered, well…_hopped_…

"**We're the Gung-Ho-Guns assassins**,

**Our skills are beyond sur-passin'**.

**To earn the rent we do assignments that involve blood a-spill-in'**,

**We're Knives' minions on Gunsmoke**,

**If we fail he'll give us quite a choke**."

Gray began to clap. And, Leonoff finally came in on the fun. Then, Monev started doing cartwheels. Meanwhile, Midvalley observed the utter mayhem, while he continued to play. Suddenly, Dominique began a striptease, and Rei Dei decided to join her. Then, at the others' behest, Legato began to chug a carton of ice-cream…

"**In battle we're rough and dashin'**,

**Vi-scous-ly un-fal-ter-in'**.

**Between our quests we have a rest and take interpretive dancin'**."

The prancing about continued as the Gung-Ho-Guns formed a conga line. Meanwhile, Legato finished up the ice-cream and started on the hot dogs. Leonoff and Dominique started running about and doing back-flips. Also, Hoppered hopped some more as the tune on Midvalley's saxophone slowed down…

"**It's an exciting life on Gunsmoke…**" the Gung-Ho-Guns sang, when suddenly—

"**Shut up or you'll find a gun down your throats**!" Knives shouted as he burst through the door, giving them an ill look.

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Fin.

(Of this particular tale)

Hehe. More silliness next time!

Review, Please, Thanks!

Disclaimer: The basis of this chapter is that it is a parody of the scene in Monty Python and the Holy Grail with the dancing/singing Knights of the Round Table. The stuff in bold is to be sung to the tune of that song.

Note: loo means toilet

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